Obsessive Behaviour Seeking Universal Control

The first inklings of obsessive thinking arose during chemoville. I would get up in the morning during the first week following chemo and make myself blueberry pancakes with yogurt and maple syrup. If I tried not to do this, I became obsessed with eating them.

My mind would tell me I deserved blueberry pancakes. I had suffered and had earned the blueberry pancakes. I could not think of anything else. After a while, I simply gave in and made them as soon as the craving arose. It is of note that after that first week had passed, pancakes never crossed my mind. I seldom, almost never, eat them now.

During chemo I was like a baby again. Wake up. Eat. Clean myself. Nap. Walk around. Lunch. Nap. Walk around. Eat dinner. Nap. Bed time. If I ignored the nap need I literally began to shake from the inside out until I went to sleep.

Need I add after the last description that in contrast to most people who get chemo and experience significant weight loss, my notable family appetite did not desert me.

The other obsession that only just about has faded is about money and my income. I was petrified to spend a penny for fear that....I don't know what would happen. In my line of employment I hear from people continuously who lose everything when faced with a serious illness such as cancer. I felt that something had been forceably taken from me and the only way I could quantify the something was to think of it as money. Even though logically I knew I would lose little income if any during the cancer treatment.

My employer has a very generous sickness plan...60 days at 100% of salary and 80 days at 70% of salary, before starting long term disability.

I became unnaturally focused on not going over 60 days. Very focused and probably obsessed. I had calendars, grids, running totals,and estimated future needs. I am sure I went back to work from chemo early so that I would use as few days as possible.

The website that collects this data to report on totals is about three months behind. I contacted the benefits administrator constantly to check my totals versus hers of days I had used. Poor woman...she was dealing with nut.

In the end, I used 54 of 60 days. There, I had control even though my entire universe was doing the cha cha. Didn't I? Well, maybe just control over writing lists.

When I started this blog in February I had some mighty big plans. I wanted to write some more, learn to play some music and to run a half marathon. I had to drop out of the marathon plans, I can't strum a note but at least the writing is starting to emerge. However, nothing is finished yet.